Puberty hit me like a freight train…
For most of my life I was a shy, spineless, little twiggy short thing.
In my own eyes I was horrendously ugly because I was so thin. I can remember standing in front of the mirror and shuddering as I ran my hands over my ribcage.
My dad used to grab my stomach and squeeze it to show me just how thin I was. He told me one day someone was going to reach through my stomach and crush my organs with their bare hands if I didn’t “man up”.
I was so convinced that I was the ugliest person to walk the earth that I never dared take my shirt off in front of anyone. Until I was 14.
When I was 14 I was living on the street in Bronx. It was the darkest time of my life and I’ve never explained entirely what happened to me in that year to anyone. I’m willing to tell the beginning and the end but there is always this black hole in the middle. This time period that is so sacred to me. It created a vortex in my heart that will never be healed.
I’m not going to talk about that middle period today =D
Sorry if you got excited. Maybe after a few more dates I’ll give you the dirtiest details of my life…but come on its only our 4th date *wink*
So anyways “the end” of this homeless year in New York is what I’m going to talk about.
In the end of that year I met Jordan.
And I took my clothes off, and I changed my entire outlook on beauty.
Jordan saved my life. And after he did that he went a step further and fell in love with me.
His family took me into their home and I lived with them for 2 or 3 months.
It was Jordan’s senior year of high school and he was 18.
The time I spent with his family was very healing. They are the typical “gigantic household” in which extended family all lived under the same roof. I was so used to my lonely “only child” childhood; but in Jordan’s house I was surrounded by his mother, aunt, grandmother, uncle, brother, sister, and 2 cousins.
I slept on the floor in his bedroom, which was the attic of the house. After weeks of sleeping on the floor he convinced me to sleep in his bed with him.
I was so shy I curled up as close to the wall as I could so that I wasn’t touching him when we laid next to each other. I was scared he’d try to touch me or make a move. I had this horrible fear, fueled by self consciousness, of him getting close to me and seeing my body.
He never did anything though. Night after night he just laid silently next to me.
One night I turned over to face him. He was laying on his side just looking at me and he smiled.
“Why do you want me to sleep here…next to you?” I asked.
“Because I can see you when you’re up here with me.” he said.
“Why do you want to see me?
“Because you’re beautiful.”
The words didn’t make sense to me at first. After several minutes of silence I felt my skin flush on the back of my neck and I turned over to face the wall.
He was telling the truth. I could see it in his eyes. It scared the shit out of me.
It didn’t make sense, how could someone think I was beautiful when I’m so broken, and so malnourished, and so depressed, and so frightened, and so damaged?
“Why do you think I am?” I asked.
“Because I’m in love with you.” He said.
…that was it. That is what beauty is. It’s not your body, or your eyes, or your clothes.
I turned around and asked him if he wanted to touch me and he said yes. So I took my shirt off and we kissed for hours until we fell asleep.
Hey Guys! Wow another long memory intro there! But I felt it was appropriate for all the things I have to talk about that have happened this week!
Hey Mickee what ever happened to this Jordan guy?
Well one day I woke up and I ran away. I decided that I needed to go back to Ohio and start all over again so I just left without saying goodbye.
Why didn’t I say goodbye?
Because I couldn’t see the look on his face if I had to explain why I needed to leave him. I couldn’t return Jordan’s love for reasons I can’t explain without delving into forbidden territory. Just take my word for it. He is an amazing human being and the only person that has ever truly loved me~ I really believe that.
Oh and we found each other again by the way. Last year, like I said before, I moved back to New York. I bumped into him on Coney Island. He still loves me and doesnt want to stop trying now that he’s found me again.
To say the least it is a painful situation for both of us.
But anyways lets get back to the blog!
Remember at the beginning when I said puberty hit me like a frieght train?
WELL IT DID!
It all started happening a bit after my 16th birthday. I swear I went from being a teenage baby to being a man over night. If you take a look at pictures of me from three years ago they don’t even look AT ALL like I do now!
It is insane.
I’m almost 6 feet tall now and I’m all handsome or whatever~
haha! I feel so awkward saying that…
My friends spoil me with compliments and I think some day I’m going to get a big head and start acting like a pretty brat lol.
It is really interesting though how much your life changes when people consider you “sexy”.
I always hated feeling ugly when I was younger but now I have a whole new set of problems.
I get hurt a lot by people now a days.
I feel used a lot.
I am lied to.
People tell you they love you because they want to fuck you. Not because they give a damn.
I never know if I can believe someone when they tell me they love me.
And usually I can’t, it always turns out they were lying.
And it really hurts. It hurts a lot.
And that isn’t the only issue~ I also get hit on by jerks (like tommy *cough cough*)
Or I get stalked! (I’ve had people follow me in the parking lot after work trying to get me to go home with them)
And so many people confess that they have feelings for me~ and when its my friends I just don’t know what to do!!!
*rolls over and dies*
*gets back up and sits down at laptop*
So having said all that let me tell you about the madness in my “love life?” this week. Can I even call it a love life? haha
First lets begin with Tommy.
The first “casualty” of the week:
I was driving us home from school in his car when he decided to try to put his hand down my pants…
When we got to a red light I grabbed his nipple and practically ripped it off.
I was laughing and he was in a lot of pain hahahahaha <3
Second “casualty-or casualties” of the week:
A boy likes me at the university (you know the one that told me I was cute? He left me notes today.)
Krystol tells me she likes me.
Luckily! She followed the confession with “I know you’re gay and I’m just going to enjoy being close to you as we are in the house.”
It still makes me sad since I have this terrible need to please everyone and obviously I can’t clone myself and be her boyfriend so it just sucks. I almost wish that everyone had one soul mate that they only loved so that we all didn’t end up loving multiple people and having to hurt each other.
The third “casualty”:
This one is BAD.
Very very very bad.
I feel terrible and well let me just get on with it.
So a few days ago my roommate, Dingane, and I were talking and laughing like usual. And he suddenly tells me that I am the first person that has ever made him think about being with someone else besides his boyfriend.
I took it casually and just nodded my head, but on the inside it made me feel very scared. I don’t want to ever be the reason that someone’s relationship ends. I don’t want to be that guy who ruins everything. But what can I do? This is how he feels. I didn’t ask him to feel that way =(
So last night.
I couldnt sleep and was feeling anxious so I asked if I could sleep next to him. We went to bed but I woke up again in the middle of the night. I noticed that he was awake too so I asked him if he couldnt sleep and he said yes. So we just talked quietly for a bit. Under the blanket he rubbed his thumb over my hip bone in circles and I could tell that he was hard. I turned over and then we kissed.
And then we both freaked out and I jumped out of bed. He said he was sorry over and over and that it was his fault. And I did the same. I felt so horrible.
And I felt even worse because I could tell how horrible he felt too.
He really loves his boyfriend and here I come along (I must be cursed) to ruin everything because when it comes to love I always fail.
So yeah that was my epic fail of the week.
I still feel horrible.
Luckily we had a long talk about it today and things are alright. He’s going to talk to his boyfriend about it because they are truthful with each other and I said I want to be there too.
I’m willing to switch rooms if his boyfriend wants me to~ I’ll do anything I feel so bad =(
But guess what? I also had an epic win this week! Even though my “love life” sucks I did punch a bastard in the face!
You did what Mickee!!?!??
You heard me! I fed a major douchebag a knuckle sandwich!!! Haha!
For those that know me~ they will know that no matter how sweet and gentle I may seem I secretly hold a vicious temper deep down inside. Not only did I get taller and prettier with puberty I also grew a spine…and a steel fist.
I have gotten into more fist fights than I care to remember in the past 3 years.
What causes me to start punching?
I am allergic to it.
If someone threatens my friends, or me, or even a stranger because of ignorance and hatred and bigotry. I will get ridiculously furious.
The last time I got into a fight it ended in blood and broken teeth. And I was not the one heading to the emergency room.
So anyways at my university there is this boy named Christopher and he has a slight case of muscular dystrophy. This causes him to stagger when he walks which is among many other physical hurtles he has to deal with on a daily basis.
This jerk, named Parker, has been harassing Christopher lately and the other day he went too far. As Christopher climbed the front steps of one of the campus buildings Parker stuck his leg out and tripped Chris, causing him to fall face first onto the steps. He couldn’t pick himself up and he scraped his elbows and forearms when he made impact with the steps.
I was beyond pissed and flew over to Parker immediately, landing a blow straight to his mouth. His front teeth cut my knuckle open.
If the jerk hadn’t dropped after the first punch I probably would have kept punching…
And don’t worry Christopher is okay, he was taken to the hospital but nothing was broken. He just needed some bandages for his scrapes and cuts. It could have been a lot worse especially considering his condition.
I bought him a big box of scooby-doo gummies as a “get well” present and he was so happy =D
And okay my last updates for this week!
I’m so sorry for waiting so long to do posts and having to overwhelm you guys with a week’s worth of news in one sitting!
But! I must talk about our favorite segment of the Mickee news!
The Greg Segment!
Wooooo! *theme music plays*
Okay…so maybe its not everyone’s favorite segment but I know its mine! haha!
(he’s like my one pleasure lately, I seem to forget all the work I have with school and all the stress I have when I’m concentrating on him.)
Time must stop when he appears…I really think it does…
I need him to come sit by me when I do my homework so I actually have enough time in the day to finish it lol.
But anyways I have been seeing more and more of him lately and it makes me really happy =D
Every day this week he came out of his room and sat with me. Whether I’m outside reading a book, playing my guitar in the living room, or making dinner in the kitchen he will appear out of no where and sit down in the room that I am in. I try to hide my smile when he does this haha.
But whenever this happens my heart feels so warm.
The fact that he seems to get pleasure out of existing in a room with me makes me very happy. And every day the urge to directly address him gets stronger. But I am too afraid to push him and scare him away. I believe that he’s working up the courage to do something. And I need to be patient and wait for him to be ready.
As a lot of you already know I have this great big scheme going right now haha!
I am scheming to draw him a charcoal picture of a deer =D
He seems to really love my charcoal homework for drawing class and I think (and a lot of my friends think) he would really love it if I drew a picture for him to keep.
And of course I have to draw him a deer because he is like a deer personified! He really is haha! That shy elusive animal~ the moment you see one is always special because it is so rare.
I am secretly working on it in drawing class at the University so that it is a surprise! I plan to leave it for him with a note when I finish it~ I don’t think it would be a good idea to give it to him face to face in case it made him feel uncomfortable.
I’ll let you guys know when I finish the drawing of course! And what happens when I give it to him!
Also~ not only has he been coming out more often he also has talked more! One day as I was doing homework he came and sat with me at the kitchen table and he told me that he noticed I am always busy. I told him that I really am, and that I like to be busy but I also know it can be a bad thing. He asked me if I do it on purpose and I told him that it’s a bit of both. Being busy distracts me from stress so sometimes I will subconsciously get involved in too many activities so that I am too busy to worry. It is something I really need to work on.
He nodded in agreement.
Haha I think he’s trying to get a point across to me right? *laughs*
Oh and the other day he helped me make dinner =D
I asked him to chop my potatoes and he cut them up for me.
These little gestures just build up and make me so happy haha!
I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face like everything else in my life seems to! >.<
Remember beauty is found in the eyes of love, Mickee xxx