I just found you…I can’t lose you
Yesterday was probably the most emotional day I’ve had in years.
For those of you who don’t know, I suffered a broken rib from a fight that I had with my dad about five years ago. And I’ve dealt with the pain from this injury ever since; because on my own I never had the means to go to a doctor and get medical help.
Now, I want to make clear that the pain I’ve suffered over these five years has been on and off. In fact I’ve only had an “episode” of pain maybe 15 times and these episodes last about 2 to 3 days. Sometimes they can be extremely debilitating in which I can’t move at all or breathe very well- other times it’s just an aching/sore feeling.
So the day before yesterday I had to call off school because I was having an episode of extreme pain that disabled me; And this is the first time that Greg has ever seen one of my “episodes” and it really worried him. He took off work early to take care of me at home and I could tell that seeing me in so much pain was really scaring him. He told me he was going to make a doctors appointment and I told him that I didn’t want to; but then he asked me to do it for him which I couldn’t refuse XD <3
And so yesterday we went to the appointment and my pain was basically almost gone that day, all that was left was a sore feeling. On the car ride there Greg and I didn’t really know what to expect but I think we both had a bad feeling about what was going to happen.
I think one of the reasons why I never put much effort into getting this checked out was because I was afraid to hear what I didn’t want to hear…..you know, the brutal truth.
The doctor gave me a physical examination and we took X-rays and had a consultation afterwards. When he returned with the results of my X-ray his opening statement was “I’m going to start out by letting you know it’s a miracle that you’ve lived this long like this.”
…obviously my heart sank like a brick XD
I didn’t look at Greg’s face once during this because I knew I’d probably break down and start crying.
So we learned that my rib was completely severed from my rib cage and had been floating in my chest for the past five years. I should have easily died from a punctured lung, infection, or pneumonia by now. I should have died the first few months after this injury was inflicted.
He basically told me if I didn’t have surgery and get this out as soon as possible I would be taking a huge risk.
I was a ticking time bomb.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo…yeah XD
the emotional rollercoaster begins:
Greg and I walked to the parking lot in complete silence, and sat in the Jeep in complete silence. And then what happened next broke my heart… I’ve never been so sad in my life and it wasn’t because I was just told that I should have died years ago…it was because I’ve never seen him cry.
We were probably in the parking lot for 2 hours, I don’t even know.
But that moment was so hard and all I wanted was to take away his pain. It really felt like we were in a sinking ship and we were saying our last words to each other. We both don’t want to live without the other.
We held each other and we both cried and I felt like I wasn’t going to be strong enough to let go of him after this moment; that once I did I would shatter into a million pieces.
And for the first time I really saw a side of him that I hadn‘t seen before, I saw how much he loved me and how he wasn’t unbreakable himself…that underneath the strength and solidarity of his exterior there was someone that could be just as vulnerable as I was.
“I just found you…I can’t lose you…I won’t lose you…I won’t.”
When we came home, we told the house, and things just got worse. Everyone was crying and holding onto me and I felt like I was at my own funeral. Especially seeing Carlos (Nacho) break down was really hard for me.
And it just became too much, I wanted everyone to stop acting like I was just sentenced to death and treating me like I was made of glass and I wanted to stop causing everyone pain. There was a conflict of emotion exploding dangerously inside of my mind…why can’t they just stop making such a big deal out of it? Why are they treating me like this? And oh my god look what I’ve done to them, they’re all so scared and its all my fault…this is all my fault.
So I just flipped out.
I got really mad and just started screaming at everyone and I shoved my way out of the house and ran away.
I took a walk into the woods and I just screamed a lot and punched the trees and I had this horrible urge to just hurt myself but I calmed down and started thinking about things.
I wanted to make it clear to everyone that this didn’t scare me.
It was shocking!
But I wasn’t scared.
Number one I’m not afraid to die
and number two IM NOT DYING XD
In fact the only thing that bothers me about this is how its affecting everyone I love. It stresses me out~ beyond stresses me out~~ to see everyone I care about so scared and sad.
When I came back home everyone was so relieved…the look on their faces said that they had considered sending out a thousand search parties and possibly the national guard XD <3
I want everyone to understand that I’m going to get this taken care of and that I’m feeling perfectly fine today and pain free and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. This sounds extremely horrible and maybe it is…but lets not look at it that way. Whats the point of being mad or sad or depressed anyways? Sitting around and crying about it isn’t going to make it go away.
All I am is thankful that I didn’t die, that I had the chance to get to where I am now.
That I was given the chance to have a happy life…to get all of this for myself…to have been able to fight for myself and WIN!
I was born into an abusive family, if my life were a boxing match I was born to lose my first round.
I had no chance of winning when I was a kid…but round two is completely different.
Life has given me the chance to win- according to my doctor I shouldn’t have had that chance AT ALL. But I was given it and I sure as hell plan to win this round.
I’m fine, I feel fine, this has been going on for five years and well…I’ve been punched, kicked, thrown, pushed, slammed into and I’ve fallen down countless times and my renegade rib hasn’t inflicted self suicide upon me yet! XD
I’ve won three martial arts competitions in the past 3 years!!
200 pound guys have KICKED ME in the ribs and I haven’t died yet…so please <3
I am fine <3 <3 <3
And I am not scared at all.
Now, I don’t have health insurance (obviously) and I don’t have the money for surgery (obviously) and I don’t have the time for surgery (obviously) so what am I going to do?
That’s another problem~
I’m willing to wait for this summer, to save up, and get it done as soon as I can. I have to consider that this is going to cause me to not be able to work for a bit as I recover after the surgery (which means I lose even more money) and I have to consider school as well.
BUT oh look a curveball…Greg wants to pay for everything and have it done literally A.S.A.P.
Please guys don’t ask me how much this surgery is going to cost but…what do I do now?
I don’t want him to pay for this AT ALL…and I know everyone is probably like “why the hell not!?”
Well because it’s A LOT of money. This is really serious. I know I have to consider how he feels too. He means everything to me, he’s a part of me now just as much as I am a part of him. Me dying is going to affect him tremendously so it is his business too right? And He’s practically fighting me tooth and nail for even thinking about saying no.
We were yelling at each other this morning about it, and then he started worrying that I shouldn’t be yelling and then I got pissed at him for worrying and treating me like I was “dying”. XDDDD
Hahaha and then we both started laughing at how bipolar we’re acting XD
I love him so much <3 I’m really so happy that I finally faced this…and that I have him to stand beside me. I really don’t think I could have done it without him…he really saved my life.
And this afternoon I wanted to have sex really badly ( to get frustrations out and show him how much I love him more than anything and prove that I‘m not going to break in half if I blink too frickin hard!!! ) and he was afraid to and was worried about hurting me and I was like “IF YOU DON’T FUCK ME I WILL RIP THIS DAMN RIB OUT OF MYSELF AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!”
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
LOLOlololololol XD
We both were dying of laughter and he was kissing me and rubbing me all over and holding me close. And I think after we had sex it solidified in his mind that things haven’t changed.
And that’s the truth things haven’t changed. I’m still the same old me. I mean I’ve been like this for the past five years so LITERALLY things haven’t changed. My condition hasn’t worsened. I feel perfectly fine and dandy today. NO PAIN!
I promise I’m gonna take care of this and get the surgery as soon as possible, I have a lot to think about and when I decide I will let you guys know right away <3
I Love you all so much more than I could ever express.
I am the luckiest guy in the world and I am so lucky to be alive……………………………………in so many ways.
Escaping the hands of death one day at a time, with love Mickee xxx
